With pain in my my heart, I have to confess that I’m no longer able to perform live music. Since the end of 2022 I have been ill and I can no longer endure much exertion. Being physically active and any form of performance – whether it’s music, a workshop or a lecture – triggers extreme fatigue in me from which I’ll need to recover for several days. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I should avoid any form of performance in my recovery process, and see what happens from there.
It’s also quite challenging for me now to compose music or make renditions. Creativity always arises from energy, and works best if you have a surplus of energy available. Right now, I’m like your old phone which won’t charge fully and already dies after a thirty minute call, leaving me with little bandwith for more than the bare necessities. Hyperfocus or ‘getting in the flow’ for creating, is not an option anyore. The little energy I have available, I can just about spend on working with clients, doing house work and meeting up with friends. This makes my current life simple and a tad boring, yet uncluttered and satisfying.
I however still play music, which brings me a lot of joy. I sing, and play piano and theremin. Since a few years I’m learning to play the theremin, and I’m taking online classes with a professional thereminist. These lessons and studying regularly for them keep me connected to my musical self, even when I cannot initiate new projects. The great thing about having Carolina Eyck as my teacher, is that she has many online students from all over the globe and we gather once a month to perfom for each other in online masterclasses. This type of performance, from my own home, it the only sort I can endure at the moment.
Learning to play a new instrument helps me to revalue the joy of practicing and playing pieces just for the sake of it, without having the need to converse them into a ‘product’ like a video, an album or a gig. This made me realize that, in my heart, I’ll always be a musician, whether I’m sharing my art with the world or not.
Having said that, I emphatically do want to be able to compose and make music videos again in the future. In spring and summer 2024, I was fit enough to professionally record a song that I have been singing for many years as The Floating Diva, Naturträne by Nina Hagen:
I also recorded my first video with theremin, the 1st Gymnopédie by Satie:
I have some more ideas on the shelf for live looping music video’s featuring the theremin, and I hope one day I’ll be able to execute them.